“We don’t invite single women to dinners”

What if being a single woman was lucky? In his book Finally aloneFrench journalist Lauren Bastide gives her instructions for happy solitude. A plea to no longer fear not being accompanied. Encounter.

It’s an ordinary Sunday: Lauren Bastide relaxes on the sofa, reads a few chapters, stays in her pajamas well after the sun has risen, showers and eats when she wants, walks her dog… She spends the day alone, the children are at dad’s. When evening comes, she exclaims: “But how good I am!”, filled with a feeling of relief, of liberation even.

Finally alone!

The journalist devotes her new essay to this joyful solitude. Based on the observation that a single woman is still perceived as a woman “without” (without a man, without a child, etc.), she wants to change mentalities, determined to ensure that women no longer fear loneliness like the plague. Better: that they cultivate it, protect it, and perceive it as a source of well-being and liberation. Like a foundation on which to build their self-esteem.

Why did you invent this new expression, “Loneliness at last”?

“Because, in my personal life, it took me a long time to achieve this relief in solitude. It was complicated for a long time. And then, it’s a collective ‘finally’: for the first time in history, Western women can live alone, free, financially autonomous, owners of their home. Before, they were eternal minors who were placed under the surveillance of a representative of the patriarchy: a father, a husband…

It seems trivial, but it’s only been possible for half a century. We are still only a handful of pioneers to fully enjoy this freedom. With this book, I invite us to change our outlook on women who embrace this freedom: those who are not in a relationship, those without children or whose children have ‘left the nest’, those who travel alone, those who do not need anyone – or who try, in any case.

A woman who lives alone, who doesn’t have a “+1” at parties, is still poorly perceived!

“Yes, socially, it’s disturbing. We don’t invite single women to dinners; as soon as they arrive with a companion, they become ‘social’ again. It’s crazy, but it’s true, I’ve experienced it up close. Society still has difficulty conceiving that a woman can form a family unit on her own. However, it is already a reality and it will be more and more so. Women are gaining autonomy, financial independence. They no longer need of a man to exist. And the more visible they are, the more normal it will become in the eyes of the world.”

Bridget Jones and the soul mate

You approach loneliness through the prism of gender, why?

“Because assumed solitude is still largely masculine. When we think of a single man, we imagine Rousseau, a meditative genius, a visionary boss. For a single woman, she is immediately the ‘single cat’, the Bridget Jones waiting for her soul mate. Historically, intellectual solitude was reserved for the master of the house. It was not until Virginia Woolf, in 1929, that a woman claimed her right. right to have a ‘room of one’s own’. And even today, women rarely have their own ‘room’ and their ‘own clock’. Often, even when they have time, their mind remains cluttered with the mental load.”

The daily struggle

How to cultivate solitude when you live as a couple or have children?

“I don’t have a magic recipe! It’s a daily struggle. In most couples, equality remains a rare privilege. In France, only 12% of separated parents really share 50% custody. In Belgium, it’s a little better, around 20%, but it remains marginal. Sharing tasks is the real terrain of feminism. Who sweeps the broom, who washes the socks? It seems trivial, but it’s political. And the only way The way to get there is to talk about it, without drama, without guilt.

Then you have to agree to let go. Yes, maybe the shirt won’t be ironed, the house won’t be perfectly tidy for guests. But this time saved, you can use it to write, garden, campaign, create. It’s not ‘time for yourself’ in the selfish sense of the term, it’s time to nourish what you have useful to offer to the world.”

Open up to others

This idea of ​​selfishness often comes up when a woman takes time for herself…

“Yes and it’s absurd. We would never say of a man who writes, thinks or creates that he is selfish. This word carries a moral judgment which weighs especially on women. Withdrawing from the world is not turning away from others. On the contrary: solitude makes our relationships fairer, more benevolent.

When we stop constantly seeking external validation, we become more available, more curious. I see it every day: the more aligned I am, the less I torture myself with my value and the more I open up to others.”

You say that solitude has allowed you to love others better, what do you mean?

“When we learn to reassure ourselves, to validate ourselves alone, we become less emotionally dependent. Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, explained, in his research on attachment, that a ‘well attached’ child can go and play away from his mother, even forget her, without fear of losing her. He knows that when he returns to her, she will still love him just as much. It’s the same for adults: the more we cultivate our internal security and we allow ourselves some alone time, the more peaceful our romantic relationships become.”

Free yourself from male gaze

According to you, beauty dictates prevent women from feeling serene when they are alone. For what?

“Margaret Atwood said, ‘You’re a woman with a man inside looking at a woman,’ and that’s exactly it. We understood the male gaze (for male gaze, editor’s note). At 15, you think that being whistled at in the street is flattering. It is believed that our worth depends on our desirability. Men don’t ask themselves these questions. And we end up integrating this surveillance, perpetuating it alone: ​​we scrutinize ourselves, we judge ourselves, even when we are alone at home. Understanding that this obsession was manufactured, notably by the cosmetics industry in the 80s, is already a first step to freeing yourself from it. Personally, no longer wearing makeup every day has saved me a lot of time… which I use to read, learn, think.”

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