Couple: 5 signs that you communicate poorly

They say that communication is the secret to a lasting relationship… But you still have to do it well. Here are 5 common mistakes to avoid.

By regularly expressing their feelings, emotions and expectations, the partners of a couple define a framework that allows them to feel safe, loved and respected. This communication framework involves dialoguing in a constructive and caring manner. If not, hello tensions, feelings of loneliness and repeated arguments.

Signs that you are communicating poorly

Here we highlight five common patterns that a couple may encounter when trying to communicate, and ways to do better.

1. You talk without listening

During your discussions, you cut yourself off, change the subject, are lost in thought, etc. These are all signs of your physical and emotional unavailability.

What to do to improve communication? Practice active listening.

To do this, there are a few rules to follow:

• Make discussion the priority.
• Establish eye contact with the other person.
• Wait until he/she has finished speaking before speaking.
• Ask open-ended questions.
• If necessary, repeat what the other person has said to make sure you have understood correctly.

2. You use the words “always” and “never”

“You never listen to me”, “You are always on your phone”… Used excessively, these words have an impact on the quality of communication. Cornered and guilty, the other person will in fact have the impression that you are making him or her responsible for everything that is wrong, without taking your own. You are stuck in an unhealthy mode of functioning.

What to do to improve communication? Ban generalizations and learn to formulate your sentences in a non-violent way.

We guide you to transform a “You never listen to me” in four steps:

• Observation of facts: “I notice that you are doing something else while I am talking to you.”
• Expression of my emotion: “I feel rejected”.
• Expression of my need: “When I need to be listened to”.
• Formulation of my request: “Can you stop what you are doing for a few minutes and listen to me?”

3. You are defensive

According to John Gottman, an American psychologist and speaker, there are four behaviors that are toxic to relationships: criticism, contempt, avoidance and defensiveness. And if this latter behavior is often adopted to protect oneself, it can block any constructive communication and lead the couple into an impasse.

What to do to improve communication? Learn to control your impulsiveness.

Review these three rules for this purpose:

• We take a step back: instead of getting carried away, we take a deep breath and try to understand what the other person wants to tell us. A technique that allows us to know if our partner is expressing an emotion and/or a need or if their dialogue is actually non-constructive criticism.
• We ask for clarification: if we have not understood well or we have the impression that the tone is accusatory, it is better to ask the partner to rephrase their sentence. A technique that allows us to ascertain the intentions of others.
• We work on our self-esteem: we are generally less affected by a remark if we have more confidence in ourselves.

4. You stay silent

If the goal is to avoid conflict, everything suggests that remaining silent often leads to it. By wanting to avoid dialogue, we generate frustrations which will accumulate, often ending up emerging in the form of reproaches.

What to do to improve communication? Learn to say things on time, showing assertiveness and kindness.

Get there in four steps:

• We express ourselves by mentioning the facts and avoiding judgment or generalizations.
• We make clear requests.
• We are in active listening.
• We accept constructive criticism.

5. You dwell on the past

As soon as you argue, it’s the same story: you and/or your partner tend to bring up old files. When he forgot to take out the trash, when you forgot a dinner on the calendar… Everything goes. We could say that it is a “good fight”, but nevertheless, reproaching ourselves for past facts poisons the capacity for dialogue. Which will gradually tarnish the relationship.

What to do to improve communication? Find out what is behind these criticisms.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Why bring out old files? Just to hurt? To defend yourself? Or because there are still unresolved things that would be good to resolve?
• How to stop dwelling on the past? No doubt discuss angry subjects once and for all and learn to better manage your emotions.

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