While you hoped for a moment of intimacy, your child knocks on the door. Worse, he entered without going. An embarrassing moment! An expert in sexuality advises us on how to react.
Being surprised during the act: whether you have lived it or not, you can imagine how paralyzing this case can be, both for the parent and for the child. From the outset, Virginie Motte, female sex coach, invites us to play down: “Rest assured, it is neither serious nor exceptional. So if it happens, above all, we do not feel guilty. You just have to open the debate on the subject to see that many adults heard their parents make love when they were little, and they all grow up! Enough to panic.
On the other hand, it is necessary to put things in place so that it does not happen again. Sexuality only concerns parents and the child is not able to understand the whole dimension. ”
Between curiosity and jealousy?
Why embarrassment, even shame win us when children surprise us?
“First, because it is a privileged moment during which we get naked, literally and figuratively. You devote yourself to your pleasure and reveal your most secret shares to your partner, and you do not want to reveal them to others, especially not to your child. Secondly, because he can persist certain taboos around sexuality. So you risk asking how your child is going to interpret. are adult games, and you can feel taken aback at the idea of having to explain them. ”
Are children also embarrassed by the situation?
“They can be, yes, because they see their parents as full entities that surround them and they do not imagine that they can share such intimate and intense moments. So try to think of your own parents making love: nobody likes it! Between 3 and 6 years old, the child discovers his sexuality, his body, his sensations, but it is a sexuality that has nothing to do with adult sexuality Discover later.
Try to think of your parents making love: nobody likes it!
A child will also be able to experience a form of jealousy to see his parents as accomplices, or even curiosity (and want to look by the lock holes thereafter). ”
Above all, no ostrich policy
Should we talk about what they heard?
“Above all, never to do as if nothing had happened, there is nothing worse than the unsaid. It is important to explain the situation simply and in a positive way, without going into details. If that happens, you also have to avoid anger or the accusations of the genre ‘but what are you doing there?’ Or ‘why were you behind the door?’: The child could feel guilty.
What type of discourse to adopt with little ones? And with teens?
“First of all, you have to clarify with the child his perception of things, use his words or reformulate them in order to adapt your vocabulary. Lightness is the key: ‘Dad and mom are hugging big people and play together in bed, it’s a pleasant moment’. Often, adults forget that sexuality is above all having fun and feeling pleasure in a accomplice moment. Tell him that it is like when he receives a gift or plays with a boyfriend: sometimes he shouts because it is happy.
Is your child small? Use his words.
Regarding teenagers, the speech will be different because they know what it is about, it is then a question of assuming your couple sexuality and, if they really hear you for technical reasons, to find ways so that everyone keeps their space, history that your teens do not stick their ears at the doors or do not feel very comfortable at home. ”
Should parents’s sexuality be hidden? What is the right middle?
“On the relational level, the tactile side and the tenderness within the couple can be displayed: parents take their hands, kiss, snuggle up against each other. This even makes it possible to build the child on signs of affection and body language.
On the other hand, if the child should know that sexuality exists between parents, he should not see more. There is many information to transmit to it over the age, but completely independent of what is happening in the marital bed. It is up to the parents to ensure that they have their privacy space, closing the door or arranging the house so as to feel free to live their sexuality without disturbing children ”.
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