10 keys (ultra-first) to reach it more often

If some women enjoy easily, others are struggling to reach orgasm. Charlotte Leemans, sexologist and president of the Society of University Sexologists of Belgium (SSUB), guides us on this playground.

The orgasm is in theory within the reach of all. In practice, however, it is more complex. Fortunately, with a little education, practice, benevolence and a few keys, the quest for orgasm can lead, while allowing the way to get to know and love each other.

1. Better getting on to better enjoy

Female pleasure has long been relegated to the background. Sex education? Almost nonexistent, boycotted or worse, full of shots. For decades, it has been claimed that the woman had to enjoy only by penetration. Thank you Freud, thank you patriarchy … Sexual health has long been studied by male scientists who said to themselves: if the man enjoys and ejaculates thanks to vaginal penetration, the penetrated woman must automatically love this too. Result: far too many women still think that they are “abnormal” if they do not enjoy it. However, it is neither a question of frigidity nor performance, but of knowledge, learning. And that is liberating!

2. The clitoris, this forgotten hero

Even if there are a thousand ways of enjoying, the clitoris is the only organ 100 % dedicated to pleasure. And yet, he still remains unknown, even neglected during the act. “If a woman uses her clitoris and stimulates it in the right way, she is likely to reach orgasm at each report,” explains Charlotte Leemans. Learning this little gem, it is to get to know your body, to explore what gives pleasure. Masturbating, experimenting alone is already a form of power.

The clitoris and the penis, these are exactly the same organs. With the difference that one can be seen well … and the other much less. And that the clitoris acorn concentrates 8,000 nerve endings, against around 5,000 for that of the penis. In other words, if we talk about “strong sex”, the clitoris clearly deserves its place on the podium. Reverse of the medal: so much sensitivity requires delicacy and precision. Too brutal or poorly adapted stimulation can cause pain (we then speak of dyspareunia, this pain felt during or after reports). Essential reminder of sex education: the clitoris exists, it is magic, and it only serves one thing … make you enjoy.

3. Bye bye compulsory penetration

Even if it is not to be banned, penetration is not the obligatory passage to enjoy. You can have fun without ever being penetrated. In addition, if penetration is painful, women will de facto less desire. Why persist in a unique scenario (often dictated by pornography and “on-said”) when so many other paths are possible? Stimulation of the clitoris, kisses, caresses, friction … Sex is not a fixed user manual, it is a sensory exploration at 2.

4.

We are not going to lie: at the beginning of a relationship, where everything is only passion in love, everything is easier. The desire is there, excitement rises spontaneously, without touching even, the bodies get carried away quickly. Then sometimes-even often-the routine settles down, the agendas overloads, the desire fades and the pleasure is relegated to the background. It is not inevitable. The quality of the relationship, listening, self-esteem, the benevolent discourse of the other play a key role in access to pleasure. What if the desires are unbalanced in the couple? We don’t force anything. We talk about it. And sometimes we consult. In this story, no one is right, no one is wrong. And above all, there is no standard.

However, when a disproportion of envy appears, it creates suffering. Often couples think that the one who wants to the least must force himself to want more, but our sexologist blows us in the ear that it is much better to do the opposite. Because a badly lived compromise, it often gives 2 frustrated.

5. Skin, giant erotic terrain

Our skin is our largest sexual organ. It is filled with thousands of nerve endings ready to shiver at the slightest brushing. Pleasure prosecutor until possibly trigger an orgasm. The exercise of “Sensate Focus” is perfect for reactivating this sensitivity and restoring pleasure. It consists in rediscovering the body of the other in 4 stages, without performance pressure or penetration objective. At each stadium, partners must meet, putting themselves in situations to rediscover their bodies. At the first level for example, one is a masseur, the other massé. The first initially undresses the other first, washes it in the shower, rinse, then wipers. Then in underwear, he will massage his partner on his stomach, from head to foot, and from head to head, without touching the genitals. All in silence, for 20 minutes. They must then take themselves in their arms and exchange. Both will express themselves on the parts they liked to massage and those they liked to be massaged. At the first 3 levels, we cannot make love at the end of the sessions. Penetration only arrives at level 4.

6. Freedom from pressure

Enjoy time. And above all, a certain letting go. The busy agenda, stress, injunctions to “enjoy like everyone else” are the worst enemies of pleasure. “If we repeat ourselves in a loop: ‘I have to enjoy, the others get there, my boyfriend tells me that he made all his ex enjoy except me, the brain will turn,” explains Charlotte Leemans. The more we go in the direction of constraint, injunction and obligation, the less we will get there. Our positive imagination is really a powerful weapon to reach orgasm. Good news: it is often enough to slow down, to reconnect to yourself, and to trust your body. Yes, it takes time. But it’s a nice path.

7. The screens (and porn) trap trap

Being glued to our phone obviously does not help to be connected to our body … and even less to that of the other. Hyperconnection is clearly not favorable to sexual intercourse. Today, many young people consult, because they no longer experience desire. In question: excessive porn consumption, often from adolescence. They started to masturbate at 12, they have already seen everything and make love as a missionary in the dark to their partner becomes complicated. When the real body becomes less exciting than the screen, you have to rethink its sexuality. Without forbidden, but with conscience.

8. All -round eroticism: readings, sounds, series …

What if we nourished our desire differently, using all our senses? Erotic comics, sensual novels, suggestive podcasts (on COX.com or box.com platforms), sexy series … Pleasure is also in the head that it starts. List everything that excites you, stimulates you. And use it as fuel.

Sexologist Charlotte Leemans regularly recommends that her patients watch the series Masters of sex (Available on Netflix), to better understand the work of Dr William Masters and Virginia Johnson (respectively interpreted by Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan in the series). The 4 seasons retrace the work of these 2 American pioneers of research on human sexuality. Together, They approach sexuality released from moral and religious taboos At a time when talking about orgasm or masturbation was scandal. The series explores both their major scientific discoveries, their dynamic of complex couple and the evolution of mentalities on gender and the role of genres.

9. Yoga, best friend of orgasm?

Reconnect to our body, to our breathing, to our sensations … Yoga, meditation, conscious movement make it possible to better feel, to live fully the moment, to be attentive to our body. This is particularly precious for women who feel “cut” from their bodies or who have undergone injunctions. And it changes everything in this orgasmic quest.

10. What if we were going to see a sexologist?

Talking about sexuality is still taboo. And consult a sexologist, it may seem impressive. However, it is often liberating. Be careful however: in Belgium, the title is not recognized, so everyone can proclaim themselves sexologist, in particular malicious people addressing vulnerable patients, thus creating serious traumas.

To find a trusted professional and be reimbursed by your mutual insurance company, go to the SSUB site, which lists trained and certified university sexologists.

If you ask yourself, know that No, a sexologist never touches his patientsUnlike gynecologists who take care of the organ, but not sexual health.

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