Teenagers squat: how can I preserve the privacy of my relationship?

Is your teenager hanging out at home with his friends and you have the feeling that your privacy is being compromised? Maëliss Layeux, parenting coach, explains how to find the right balance.

Since entering puberty, your teenager has never stopped inviting his friends, so much so that your house seems to have been transformed into a youth hostel. And if you understand their need to socialize, you and your partner sometimes feel like you’re no longer at home…at home. A situation which can create a certain frustration on the adult side, or even intra-family tensions. So how can we live together when the needs of parents and children collide? The key is to think about it and determine rules of life that respect everyone’s well-being, according to Maëliss Layeux.

Tips for finding the right balance

The parenting coach advises deconstructing the situation by analyzing it carefully, then finding a way to live in harmony with your teenager. Through three axes…

1. We question our need for intimacy

“Before starting a discussion with your teen, it’s important to understand what frustrates you about him or her inviting friends over, but also what level of privacy you need.”

Questions to ask yourself to clearly define your needs:

• When does the situation interfere with my need for privacy? When I come home after work and feel the need to unwind? When I dream of sitting in front of the TV but they squat it to watch a film or play video games? When they enter rooms that I define as intimate?
• How does this interfere with the intimacy of my relationship? Because they stay out too late at night? Because we don’t feel free in the presence of teenagers who aren’t ours?
• What should we put in place to ensure our privacy is preserved? Could their meetings at your place be an opportunity for a couple’s outing? Could your teenager’s bedroom or a room be set up to entertain friends?

2. We try to understand our need for connection

Once the work on yourself has been done, it is time to talk with your child to find out more about their own needs. The parenting coach advises approaching the subject in a descriptive manner. Example: “I noticed that this week your friends have been coming over every day. What explains these visits? Why is this so important to you?”

The idea is to find out how things are going for him, for him to explain to you what is behind these invitations.

• Is it because they really need to see each other to unwind?
• Because they have joint work to do?
• That other parents don’t allow visits?
• That his friends think you’re cooler than them?
• Is your home more suitable for this?

During this discussion, it is essential to validate your teenager’s social need: “Saying that we understand them means showing them that we are listening and that we validate their need to see their friends” .

3. We put in place common rules

After having surveyed your needs and those of your teenager, Maëliss Layeux suggests co-constructing rules of life that suit both parties.

Some ideas:

• Determine the maximum number of guests.
• Define time slots during which your teenager can invite (or not) friends.
• Tell in advance when he/she invites friends.
• Define the rooms accessible to friends and those reserved for family members (parents’ bedroom, bathroom, shower room, kitchen, etc.).
• Think about alternatives: look for an activity to do together after class (sport, art, window shopping, etc.)? If your home is their playground, suggest that another friend’s house can be, at certain times, their gathering place.

Rules that must be remembered regularly: “Teenagers’ brains are still under construction; therefore, the rules must be repeated often. This can be annoying for a parent, but know that it is completely normal”.

The advice not to neglect

Another important point? Value the teenager when he respects these rules: “If you have agreed with your child that he must call you before inviting friends to make sure it is OK and that he does it, do not hesitate not to support his initiative.”

Is the situation synonymous with discomfort for you?

Is the situation still problematic for you? Maybe she’s hiding something else… Maëliss Layeux: “The transition from child to teenager is sometimes overwhelming for parents. In this case, is it the presence of his/her friends that tickles you or rather that he/she is starting to have a social life? Do you feel frustrated that he is growing up and needs you less? Do you feel like your life is losing meaning as your teenager becomes independent? Do you also feel a pang in your heart when he goes out?” So many questions that can be worked on with a good therapist.

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