Should we let our children choose?

Pasta or rice, gray or blue sweater: among the profusion of small and big everyday decisions, should the child be involved? And if so, how and from what age? Expert opinion on the issue.

What do you want to eat tonight? What course do you want us to enroll you in? Our daily lives are punctuated by dozens of choices. And as a parent, we may be tempted to consult our children about matters that concern them, out of kindness or to avoid a crisis. Good or bad idea?

A question of balance

“The problem is too much,” said Daniel Marcelli at the microphone of France Inter. For this professor of child psychiatry and co-author of the book Too much choice disrupts education (Antoine Périer and Daniel Marcelli), “in education, excesses are always harmful. Whether it is excess rigidity, authoritarianism, prohibitions… which results in children withdrawing into themselves, stuck, anxious, anguished. Or excess of choice”. It is therefore a question of finding the right balance, even if it is constantly evolving.

Sandrine Franck, a Belgian clinical psychologist specializing in childhood, agrees with this point of view: “Giving choices to the child can be interesting. This allows them to develop their autonomy, their critical thinking, and to strengthen their self-esteem. But the idea is to do it in the right dosage”.

Avoid open-ended questions

Does your child make a scene at every meal or when getting dressed? “It may be interesting to give him the choice in this context,” the psychologist tells us, “so that he has a feeling of control. He will then have less of the impression that everything is imposed on him. The idea is not to leave him too free, but to offer him two relevant options. Blue pants or green pants, a banana or a pear for a snack… These small choices can help avoid climbing.”

The key? Avoid asking open-ended questions. “Especially for young children,” insists Sandrine Franck. We will give him the choice between two possibilities. Thus, the framework is set”.

When to choose fatigue

If giving the child the choice helps strengthen their independence and self-confidence, conversely, giving them too much can do damage. “It can be over-stimulating and tiring for him, overwhelming him and putting counterproductive pressure on him,” says the psychologist. She continues: “But also create unrest associated with a lack of boundaries. If the parent never sets rules, this can cause anxiety and behavioral problems”. We know that the setting is reassuring for the child.

For Daniel Marcelli, “in the long term, giving the child too much choice makes him think that his desire is what is most important. (…) The child constructs the idea that his desire, his relationship with himself, is more important than his relationship with others”. Learning to experience frustration is therefore essential: “In the first years of life, once in a while, the child must experience the suffering of an unsatisfied desire”.

The choice for children in 3 questions

Psychologist Sandrine Franck answered three questions you ask yourself as parents.

1. For which decisions should you not consult the child? “For important choices that concern your future or your health. If he has to wear glasses, braces or has to go to a medical appointment, for example. In this case, the parent chooses for him, for his good, while supporting him in his emotions”.
2. At what age should we let him decide? “Small choices can already be offered around 2 years of age, when the little one enters the opposition period. But this must be done within a specific framework, with two options. With an older child, you can get him to think. If he is 5 years old and he insists on wearing shorts even though it is cold outside, for example, we can push the thinking to guide him towards the right option. Choosing is also a learning process. And the role of the parent is to guide the child in this learning”.
3. What if my child doesn’t feel good about my decision? “You must of course take your emotional state into account. If before going to scouts or his piano lesson, he is systematically in a state of distress, anxiety, we are not going to impose it on him… It is important to communicate with him to understand where his fears come from or his reluctance”.

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