Should we accept everything from a depressed friend?

Seeing a friend sink into depression is trying. Sometimes we accept what we shouldn’t, for fear of adding more. However, tolerating everything and/or taking it all in silence ends up being harmful, both to ourselves and to the relationship.

10% of the population experiences or will experience a period of unease, depression, or even depression during their life. This is the observation made by the site Belgique en bonne santé, the official platform dedicated to the health of Belgians. And we know how much psychological suffering can impact a person’s behavior, the way they function, and the relationships they maintain. During darker times, it is indeed possible to lose control. Certain profiles can then isolate themselves or make hurtful comments, without necessarily realizing it.

Faced with this type of situation, it is common to accept it, for fear of pushing the person further into their despondency. A mistake, according to Julie Arcoulin, coach specializing in relationships and author of several books on the subject.

Hello anxiety

The expert’s answer is clear: “No, you don’t have to accept everything from a depressed friend. This would put us in an uncomfortable position and could taint the relationship. If we hold on to this link, not only do we set our limits, but above all, we talk about what is wrong”.

According to Julie Arcoulin, this idea of ​​accepting everything would have harmful consequences:

• Explode at some point: by accepting everything in silence, the cup risks overflowing. And when we’re angry, we’ll probably say things we don’t mean, or we’ll communicate in the wrong way, stuck in our emotions. A clash that risks doing a lot of harm to the bond that unites us.
• Losing your emotional balance: Seeing a loved one depressed can make us feel guilty and cause us to feel helpless. But also make us anxious.
• Take pity on your loved one: when the other person spends his time unloading his unhappiness on us, we risk no longer taking pleasure in his company and/or pitying him.

Beware of savior syndrome!

The coach also warns about savior syndrome: “Sometimes we want so much to see our loved one get out of depression that we make it our mission to save them. The problem is that it dispossesses him of his own path towards well-being, that it can cause frustration and resentment.” And to clarify: “Imagine that you put a bunch of things in place for this loved one, that you are waiting for them to bounce back but that they do not, you could say to yourself ‘After all that I’ I did for him…’”.

In this case, what behavior should you adopt? Advice from the expert.

1. We express what is wrong

The coach confirms this to us: “If your friend behaves in ways that are not OK, if he has exceeded your limits or if you feel uncomfortable in his presence, it is essential to tell him.” Pay attention to the manner: “We always advise talking about your feelings. We will say for example ‘I feel embarrassed when you say this or that’, ‘I feel hurt when you do this’ rather than ‘You said that, you did that’. A method inspired by non-violent communication which helps prevent your friend from feeling accused”.

2. We set our limits

Does your loved one ask you a lot? He asks to see you to empty his bag? He calls you again and again and it weighs on you? Setting limits is essential to avoid exploding: “I really invite you to preserve yourself by quantifying the time given to your friend who is depressed. We can tell him things honestly, that is, we need to see other people and do things to stay connected to happiness. This is essential so as not to carry the weight of our emotions on our shoulders”.

3. We help without expecting anything

Helping is a laudable intention, but one that will only be experienced healthily if we are not in a position of waiting: “If you wish to help this depressed friend in one way or another without entering into the vicious circle of the relationship unhealthy, then you must keep in mind that you should not expect anything from him: neither that he will take the steps that you have suggested nor that he will thank you. This must truly be an act of empathy and selflessness, otherwise it will end in reproaches”.

4. We definitely don’t feel guilty

Setting limits and saying what is wrong can be difficult: we may be afraid of pushing our loved one further. “Guilt is a very common feeling, especially among women. Know that you don’t have to feel guilty about making your well-being a priority. It’s even very healthy, because it gives others the opportunity to question themselves and reposition themselves.”

What if depression becomes depression?

Does your friend’s depression continue? Julie Arcoulin advises referring him to mental health specialists. You can also invite them to surf the site Je me libre, which offers help for depressed people, such as a helpline open 7/7 (the number is 107).

Also note that mental health service centers are open across the country and welcome any request related to psychological suffering. They offer a response adapted to the person and the situation: diagnosis, monitoring and psychosocial, psychotherapeutic or psychiatric support through individual, family and group consultations. Check out this link to find them.

You may also like:

Recipes, fashion, decoration, sex, astro: follow our news on Facebook And Instagram. Exclusive: our latest articles via Messenger.