You argued, very good! Now, draw on the positive: make it a learning experience, review it and find solutions so that it doesn’t happen again.
At home, everything is an excuse for arguments: schedule incompatibilities, long working days, vacation destinations, visits to the in-laws… It’s simple: you can no longer talk to each other calmly. Two specialists guide you to ease tensions.
Don’t leave it lying around
“Behind the repeated arguments of everyday life,” notes Jean-Luc Beaumont, doctor of psychology and couples specialist, “there are often one or more more serious underlying problems that are not addressed, or not often, and which partners on the defensive.”
A couple in difficulty generally takes seven years before seeking advice!
Valérie Claeys, coach and couples mediator, wants to be reassuring. “If the partners are arguing, there is still some involvement.” Not everything has been cleared up regarding the altercation. However, do not delay reacting, at the risk of accumulating frustrations and resentment. “A couple in difficulty generally takes seven years before consulting!” regrets the specialist.
The 3 rules for getting out of an argument positively
To find a serene environment, three actions are essential:
- Avoid escalation. There is never a winner in an argument. It’s a succession of rapid sentences where one person attacks the other and the other one outbids them because he or she is injured. “Leave the room,” advises Isabelle Jordan, in her book 10 recipes to avoid breaking up. Go breathe separately, walk for 15 minutes.” It is only after this “break” time that you will be able to speak with a rested head.
- Find out what really annoys you. “Talk about your fears, advises Jean-Luc Beaumont, about your needs, without aggression (a professional can help you). Give everyone 15 minutes to empty their bag without judging or interrupting.” On paper, the exercise seems simple but requires real work: calm down, synthesize what is complicated, what annoys, what makes you sad…
- Take responsibility for the conflict. “Don’t try to be right,” says Isabelle Jordan. Just look for what hurt the other person, what hurt you, and try to name it.”
To avoid arguments in the future, when you feel that you are losing your bearings or that a situation is getting on your nerves, calm down before imploding and apply the three rules mentioned above.
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